Self harm

This is a really sensitive subject, and quite personal to me. I know that there are actually a lot of people who are going through this so I thought that I would post my thoughts about it.

As someone who is actually currently trying to cope with self harm I understand what it's like. I obviously won't know exactly what other people are going through, as everyone has their own reasons. But I have an idea. I have personally experienced the feeling of wanting to cause physical pain on myself. I have sat in my room at 2am with a blade in my hand just wanting to end everything. I am not the type of person who is very good at talking about my feelings, especially about this, but I want to share my story in order to maybe try to help other people feeling similar.

My self harming started when I was in middle school. I was very badly bullied, by practically everyone in my year. I had no friends and I would sit inside in the classroom at break time instead of going outside because I didn't want to face the other students. I began scratching my arms, not severely. I didn't even know what self harming was back then. I just felt miserable and believed the things that the bullies told me, so I hurt myself as a way to 'punish' myself for not being good enough. This was where it began.

Once I started high school I stopped for about three years before starting again when I was in year 9. Again I was being bullied, not as badly as before but it would remind me that I'm not good enough and made me believe that I was never going to fit in or be accepted by anyone. It led to a lot of self hatred. The small, insignificant scratches became deeper scratches that would bleed sometimes. I was 13 and I had begun to completely despise myself. My parents eventually found out and tried to get me help. A woman would visit me every week or so to try to help me, but to be honest she didn't really help so I just lied and told her that I had stopped and she eventually stopped seeing me. I never did actually stop, but I went on and off for the next few years.

The next really bad time for me was last year, when I broke up with my ex boyfriend. Since he had, as I saw it, "dumped me for one of my best friends" I felt this worthlessness all over again. As if I wasn't good enough. This slowly led up to me going into practically a complete depression, or at least that's how it felt to me. I suppose I still feel that way now. Constantly hating myself and feeling like I'm not good enough so I self harm. To take away whatever pain I feel inside, to distract me from the hatred I have for myself, to feel in control. The damage I do has become worse over the years and I'm now pretty sure I'm scarred in several places. These will be constant reminders of what I felt.

I feel as though I'm too fat, too ugly, not smart enough, not funny enough, just not good enough. I hate every inch of myself. It's a horrible feeling that I wish would go away. But I know that if I want to feel better then it's going to take time. I am currently awaiting a letter that will be starting off my journey towards feeling better and ending my self harm. I am one of those lucky people who have wonderful friends and family who are there to support them. It's going to be a tough journey, but I know that in the long run I will end up feeling much happier.

I won't go into any more detail about how I feel as I don't want this to be too triggering and as I said, I don't like talking about it. If this post does help anyone, anyone at all then I will be really glad. And if you aren't suffering yourself, but you know someone who is then you need to know that you should just treat them as normal and whatever you do don't make them promise that they'll stop because it's the worst thing you could say. Thanks for reading, have a good day.

Claire :)