Todays post is going to be a bit different to what I normally post. Its going to be more personal. I will be talking about mental health, mine specifically, so if you do not wish to read about that then I suggest you move along.
Since I was about 10/11 I have suffered with depression and anxiety. I was bullied in school and it affected my self esteem a lot and I remember sitting in the classroom during breaktimes because the other kids would call me names and avoid me. I know a lot of kids probably suffered worse than me with bullying, but everyone who experiences it gets affected by it.
I was lucky enough in high school to find a really amazing group of friends, who I'm still friends with to this day. But sadly the depression and anxiety were not going tot just go away and I would never raise my hand in class and I hated presenting in front of the class. It was I think the first year of high school when I started self-harming.
I somehow managed to get through high school with decent grades and great friends, but when I started sixth form for some reason things seemed to get worse. I couldn't concentrate on my work, I had no self esteem, I felt like a failure because I wasn't doing well in my subjects and by the end of the first year I dropped out.
After I dropped out of sixth form I found myself with no motivation at all. I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, I barely went out at all. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety during this time and got given anti-depressants by my doctor. I was on job seekers as I had no money and I needed it for my parents to help them pay for my food and what not. So I applied for some jobs, forcing myself into social situations I wasn't ready for, making my mental health even worse.
At one point I applied for an apprenticeship and this somehow put me on a company's radar that help people find apprenticeships. So I had to meet with this woman and she asked me what I wanted to do and at the time I wanted to work with animals so that's what I told her and she said "that's unrealistic" and made me apply for things I didn't and couldn't do. This resulted in me going to a trial at a job that made me physically sick from the anxiety. Yet this woman persisted and one day I found myself trying to get ready for an interview and panicking and feeling scared and hopeless. Self-harm was still a coping mechanism for me so I turned to that to try to help myself, but when that didn't work I went for pills instead and just kept taking them till my dad found me in the bathroom.
After this suicide attempt I finally received some help. A really nice woman helped me a lot with my anxiety and got me out and about. The only problem was the depression wasn't treated and so when several bad things happened within a few days of each other I took another overdose.
I was put on a waiting list to see someone, then when I did I was put on an online course, which honestly wasn't that helpful. However, I took it upon myself to try to make myself better. I bought books, I used google and apps to find exercises to help the depression. I made myself go out and do things I enjoy. And it may have taken a while, and I'm still improving even now, but things have become so much better for me lately.
This year was full of some really bad experiences, breakups and worries. But I overcame them, I kept going. Yesterday I was employed for my first proper job and everything in my life is finally going well. I had lots of people doubt me and abandon me because of my struggles, but I have proved I am capable and I am better than I was. I am so grateful to all the people who did support me through it and I will continue to improve myself and my life.
- Claire
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